Hard week........

Last night's Family to Family class was awesome. We had a consumer (a person with a mental illness) who talked about her life story. It was awesome. She was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia a few years ago and is currently stabilized on medications.
I cannot wait for the day that my husband is more stabilized on his meds. He's doing really good right now, but he still has a few small anxieties that no one other than myself would notice.
My depression has been hitting me really hard this week. One year ago on March 10th I suffered a miscarriage at 11 weeks. It still hurts right now, even though it's been over a year. I can vividly remember being in the ER and bleeding very heavily. I ended up having a D&C since my body continued to bleed. Part of me wishes that I could have known if it was a boy or girl but the other part of me is glad that I never bonded with a moving baby since it would have been a million times harder to handle. It hurt for a long time to see a pregnant woman or newborn babies.
My husband and I are hoping on having a baby sometime soon. Since both of us have mental illnesses we know that any children we have has an elevated risk of developing a mental illness. Since we know about this possibility we realize that we will have to watch our child(ren) closely to make sure they get help as soon as possible.
Mental illnesses are not fun to live with. I'm "lucky" that "all" I have to deal with is "regular" depression and not something more serious, such as Schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder or even bipolar. I personally know people with those diagnoses and many of them you would never know they had the illness. It's kind of like....you can't tell someone who has type 1 diabetes just by looking at them...for some people you would never know they had a mental illness.

My oasis of the week

I love my Family to Family class. Last night's class was awesome. We split into groups (parents with a child who has a mental illness; spouses of someone with a mental illness and children of a parent with a mental illness) and talked about what was unique about our situation. I was the only one who was there for a spouse and since Pam (my mom's co-teacher) also had a spouse with a mental illness we got to talk about it. People had actually asked Pam why she stayed with her husband (who died over 10 years ago but Pam was with him until the day he died). Why would someone ask that? Would you be offended if I asked why you stayed with your spouse who was diagnosed with cancer? Why would anyone be so rude? When people get married do their vows say in sickness and in health or until you get a mental illness? NO IT DOESN'T!!!!!!!!
Because of my husband's mental illness I have to take over the household responsibilities. I have to take care of the bills and housework. I have to be the bread winner and provide health insurance for us. When we have children of our own I will have to work while he stays home with the kid(s). I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I have to realize that it may never happen. It doesn't make me love my husband any less because of his mental illness. I actually admire him for living with it and being able to survive when a lot of people with mental illnesses commit suicide.
Because of all the responsibility on my shoulders I realized that I need to see a counselor to help me get through this situation. I have to deal with so much stress right now with financial, work and Steve's illness being the most stressful things I am going through.
I am so grateful for my family and Steve's family -- both who have supported Steve and I so much during this time. I know that I would have fallen apart weeks ago if it hadn't have been for them. Steve and I are so lucky to have them in our lives.

Lately I've been feeling like I am a military wife, except the only war my husband is fighting is with his brain. With mental illnesses there is always a risk of death (suicide, overdose, etc.). The person with the mental illness wages war against their own mind. My husband is not home right now, so I guess you could say he's deployed.
Now, I'm not saying this to say that I know what military wives go through or that I'm belittling what military families go through. It's just that my husband is at war with himself right now so I can understand a millionth of what they go through.

Depression...what fun!

I'm so used to my depression that sometimes I can't tell if my feelings are my "normal" depression or situational depression. Sometimes it might be a combination of the two. Right now I think it's situational. In 12 days it will be the first anniversary of something I wished hadn't happened. If I had never gone through it I would have been able to survive. It wasn't anything that happens to everyone.

I sometimes wish I had situational depression only. That way I could have known more happiness growing up. I'm not saying I had a horrible childhood, just that I felt a lot of depression growing up.

Years ago, when I was a child, the "experts" didn't believe that children could have mental illnesses. They now know that it is possible. Because mental illness is a disease of the brain anyone can get it. Saying that one "type" of person can't get it is like saying that kids can't get cancer, or HIV. It's ridiculous.

I think everyone needs to be educated on mental illnesses and not look at those who have one like they were bad growing up, lazy, or just wanting attention. If you have ever known someone who took their own life or even attempted to you would have to know they didn't do it because they are lazy or were "bad". They do it to try to get away from the pain they are experiencing in their lives. They are not in their right mind when they try to kill themselves. They don't know how to cope with the constant pain they are experiencing.

I hope that anyone who is feeling that way would tell someone and get help. It's a horrible thing to have to live through a friend or family member's suicide.

Something near and dear to my heart.....

I've thought long and hard about my decision to write about my experiences with mental illness. I'm speaking from the viewpoint of someone with has a sibling, a spouse, and myself with mental illnesses. I am not trying to say that I am an authority on mental illnesses, just a soldier in the war.

I've dealt with chronic depression for my entire life. I don't remember a time that depression wasn't in my life. I once told an aunt, when I was four years old, that I wished I was dead. I attempted many times to take my life and the last time I tried was the day that I stopped going to school. I ended up with my GED (passed on the first try!)

I remember crying for no apparent reason and when my mom would ask why I would tell her that I missed my grandpa, who had died when I was 7. It was within the last few years that I realized that I wasn't crying for that reason, but just because of my depression. I was kind of a crybaby when I was in elementary school. I cried over EVERYTHING!

I really hadn't dealt with other people's mental illnesses very much. At least not until I was in my 20's and my younger sister started rebelling and changed her entire personality practically overnight.

Then I met my husband and learned about his mental illness and then I had to deal with mental illness in my boyfriend/fiance and then husband. Each time it's been a different experience and I learn new things every day.

There have been times that I feel like I can't handle any more of it, but somehow I deal and go on.